Spring Break
Zombies vs. Vampires: Vampires are better
Caity Cudworth
Issue date: 10/31/07 Section: Entertainment
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5. Sheep
Further adding to the case for vampires is the fact that zombies only function in groups. It's always armies of zombies - they're like brain-hungry sheep.
Unlike sheep, however, they provide neither wool nor lamb chops.
Vampires, by contrast, can think for themselves - they're independent. And you need to be independent in order to lead a productive and capable life…even if you're undead and spend your time trying to secure vast quantities of fresh blood for sustenance.
6. Blood vs. Brains
Blood is drinkable so if you're a vampire, it's easier to get nourishment on the go. Brains are messy and look weird.
7. Nocturnal
The sun gives you skin cancer. Plus, only the elderly like being up and outside really early. The fact that vampires only operate at night makes them harder to catch and gives them better lurking-capabilities.
8. Attire
Vampires always look well put-together. Also, they get to wear capes. You don't mess with a dude in a cape, especially if it's black and made out of fur.
It is all the more impressive that vampires manage to look spiffy despite the fact that they lack reflections.
9. Destruction
The only reliable way to kill a vampire is by impaling him with a wooden stake. Fortunately, wooden stakes aren't that popular any more and people no longer leave them lying around.
Garlic and sunlight merely ward off vampires; these things do not destroy them
10. Prey
It should also be noted that vampires, our fanged-friends, are more discriminating in the targets they pick. A zombie will try to eat anything that moves - even preying on the sweet, tender flesh of children and the very old. Vampires, meanwhile, wait for their targets to come to them.
This means that they prey primarily on the blood of the weary travelers that, for whatever reason, wander the desolate mountain ranges of Transylvania. Sorry, but if you're wandering around the Transylvanian countryside and you're stupid enough to knock on the door of a dark, foreboding castle, you probably deserve to get bitten.
In sum, I think these 10 items prove beyond a reasonable doubt that vampires are definitely the most kickass species of the undead/living dead. Clearly, vampires have numerous advantages over zombies.
And even though drinking random people's blood is probably a pretty quick way to get AIDS, eating brains probably exposes you to a vast array of communicable diseases as well, so zombies don't even have that to their advantage.
I would also like to add, in closing, that vampires are important role models for our youth. The Count on "Sesame Street," for example, devotes his time to teaching children how to count.
This is a valuable contribution to society, as research has shown that children who can't count do not go on to lead successful lives.
Further adding to the case for vampires is the fact that zombies only function in groups. It's always armies of zombies - they're like brain-hungry sheep.
Unlike sheep, however, they provide neither wool nor lamb chops.
Vampires, by contrast, can think for themselves - they're independent. And you need to be independent in order to lead a productive and capable life…even if you're undead and spend your time trying to secure vast quantities of fresh blood for sustenance.
6. Blood vs. Brains
Blood is drinkable so if you're a vampire, it's easier to get nourishment on the go. Brains are messy and look weird.
7. Nocturnal
The sun gives you skin cancer. Plus, only the elderly like being up and outside really early. The fact that vampires only operate at night makes them harder to catch and gives them better lurking-capabilities.
8. Attire
Vampires always look well put-together. Also, they get to wear capes. You don't mess with a dude in a cape, especially if it's black and made out of fur.
It is all the more impressive that vampires manage to look spiffy despite the fact that they lack reflections.
9. Destruction
The only reliable way to kill a vampire is by impaling him with a wooden stake. Fortunately, wooden stakes aren't that popular any more and people no longer leave them lying around.
Garlic and sunlight merely ward off vampires; these things do not destroy them
10. Prey
It should also be noted that vampires, our fanged-friends, are more discriminating in the targets they pick. A zombie will try to eat anything that moves - even preying on the sweet, tender flesh of children and the very old. Vampires, meanwhile, wait for their targets to come to them.
This means that they prey primarily on the blood of the weary travelers that, for whatever reason, wander the desolate mountain ranges of Transylvania. Sorry, but if you're wandering around the Transylvanian countryside and you're stupid enough to knock on the door of a dark, foreboding castle, you probably deserve to get bitten.
In sum, I think these 10 items prove beyond a reasonable doubt that vampires are definitely the most kickass species of the undead/living dead. Clearly, vampires have numerous advantages over zombies.
And even though drinking random people's blood is probably a pretty quick way to get AIDS, eating brains probably exposes you to a vast array of communicable diseases as well, so zombies don't even have that to their advantage.
I would also like to add, in closing, that vampires are important role models for our youth. The Count on "Sesame Street," for example, devotes his time to teaching children how to count.
This is a valuable contribution to society, as research has shown that children who can't count do not go on to lead successful lives.
