Spring Break
Column: Sex & the Cigar
The fire is (not) so delightful
Issue date: 12/4/08 Section: Editorial/Opinion
12/04/08 - Flasher, my bro, what's up? Holidays are coming up and my girl is expecting something great when I get back home, if you know what I mean. I want to make sure I deliver and don't disappoint her. Any suggestions?
- Jingle Balls
Well Mr. Balls, there are quite a few ways to go about this. Firstly, dexterity of the fingers is very important. If you have the fortunate situation to be a musician, just practice anything you know as fast as you can. Why do you think metal guitarists are so popular?
Other methods you could try that do not require any musical talent include speed typing, desk drumming and even aggressively twiddling your thumbs. Basically anything that involves fast finger movement over a long period of time. The point is to build more muscle around the tendon, making it easier for you to do it continuously. This is not just for foreplay either, dude.
Other, more creative and possibly perverse methods of making sure she's having fun come in the form of condoms. If you don't use them, that's your business, but seriously, dude, I do not recommend or condone unprotected sex.
There is a multitude of shapes and types to try, like the ribbed, spiral and studded ones. Heck, there's even one shaped like a conk shell spiral on end, called Inspiral. But the most interesting and possibly strange kind of condoms would have to be the one called Performax.
This line of condoms from the Durex company is designed totally for the ladies, as there is an ingredient on the outside that creates a "warming sensation" (you can replicate that yourself very easily with Bengay or Icy Hot, just check and make sure they don't degrade or weaken the material the condom is made with). But the inside is a bit more devious.
The Durex company explains it as "special climax control lubricant that helps prolong male sexual performance," but in reality, an acquaintance of mine has informed me, it's more like Novocain. It numbs you so you can go on for hours, but never reach climax. This seems like you'd have to be really dedicated, but I'd still recommend this product to you, Mr. Balls, to try at least once.
- Jingle Balls
Well Mr. Balls, there are quite a few ways to go about this. Firstly, dexterity of the fingers is very important. If you have the fortunate situation to be a musician, just practice anything you know as fast as you can. Why do you think metal guitarists are so popular?
Other methods you could try that do not require any musical talent include speed typing, desk drumming and even aggressively twiddling your thumbs. Basically anything that involves fast finger movement over a long period of time. The point is to build more muscle around the tendon, making it easier for you to do it continuously. This is not just for foreplay either, dude.
Other, more creative and possibly perverse methods of making sure she's having fun come in the form of condoms. If you don't use them, that's your business, but seriously, dude, I do not recommend or condone unprotected sex.
There is a multitude of shapes and types to try, like the ribbed, spiral and studded ones. Heck, there's even one shaped like a conk shell spiral on end, called Inspiral. But the most interesting and possibly strange kind of condoms would have to be the one called Performax.
This line of condoms from the Durex company is designed totally for the ladies, as there is an ingredient on the outside that creates a "warming sensation" (you can replicate that yourself very easily with Bengay or Icy Hot, just check and make sure they don't degrade or weaken the material the condom is made with). But the inside is a bit more devious.
The Durex company explains it as "special climax control lubricant that helps prolong male sexual performance," but in reality, an acquaintance of mine has informed me, it's more like Novocain. It numbs you so you can go on for hours, but never reach climax. This seems like you'd have to be really dedicated, but I'd still recommend this product to you, Mr. Balls, to try at least once.
