Spring Break
Column: The Cigar's ultimate badass list
Chris Curtis
Issue date: 2/11/09 Section: Editorial/Opinion
02/11/09 - Ever find yourself wondering who you should look up to in life, but aren't smart enough to figure it out on your own? Well here you go.
1. Bruce Lee. If you don't know who this is or if you think that his supremacy is debatable, put down this list, take a step back and kick yourself in the face. That's right, you can't do it. Because you're not Bruce Lee. That myth about his brain exploding after taking some knockoff pain meds is just that. Actually, he achieved nirvana and ascended to a higher plain. And by "achieved nirvana," I don't mean he meditated his way to enlightenment. I mean he overcame Buddha and took it. Finally, the man killed Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon. He beat Norris like Homer Simpson beats Bart. That was an un-simulated death scene, too. They had to re-animate Chuck's lifeless shell in order to shoot Walker Texas Ranger. Hence, the stiff acting. Spoiler: Chuck Norris will not be appearing on this list. Besides being undead and therefore ineligible, the man's a pansy.
2. Clive Owen in Shoot 'Em Up. The producers kind of shot themselves in the foot with the title on this one; good luck convincing your girlfriend the movie has a sensitive subplot. It doesn't. A baby is involved, but you can tell it would bludgeon someone to death with a rattle if its arms weren't too short. Plot breakdown: a hobo who is more than he appears and a whore with a heart of gold must protect an orphaned infant from a homicidal villain played by Paul Giamatti. Giamatti flexed his rodent teeth in his scariest role since Santa in 2007's "Fred Clause." Clive "Hobo" Owen racks up an impressive body count throughout the film, killing a man with a carrot and slashing his way to freedom with a scalpel stuck through his palm in just two of many stand-out scenes.
3. Keanu Reeves in the Matrix trilogy. You've got to give props to anyone who can star in three movies apparently without blinking, changing facial expression or reading the script.
1. Bruce Lee. If you don't know who this is or if you think that his supremacy is debatable, put down this list, take a step back and kick yourself in the face. That's right, you can't do it. Because you're not Bruce Lee. That myth about his brain exploding after taking some knockoff pain meds is just that. Actually, he achieved nirvana and ascended to a higher plain. And by "achieved nirvana," I don't mean he meditated his way to enlightenment. I mean he overcame Buddha and took it. Finally, the man killed Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon. He beat Norris like Homer Simpson beats Bart. That was an un-simulated death scene, too. They had to re-animate Chuck's lifeless shell in order to shoot Walker Texas Ranger. Hence, the stiff acting. Spoiler: Chuck Norris will not be appearing on this list. Besides being undead and therefore ineligible, the man's a pansy.
2. Clive Owen in Shoot 'Em Up. The producers kind of shot themselves in the foot with the title on this one; good luck convincing your girlfriend the movie has a sensitive subplot. It doesn't. A baby is involved, but you can tell it would bludgeon someone to death with a rattle if its arms weren't too short. Plot breakdown: a hobo who is more than he appears and a whore with a heart of gold must protect an orphaned infant from a homicidal villain played by Paul Giamatti. Giamatti flexed his rodent teeth in his scariest role since Santa in 2007's "Fred Clause." Clive "Hobo" Owen racks up an impressive body count throughout the film, killing a man with a carrot and slashing his way to freedom with a scalpel stuck through his palm in just two of many stand-out scenes.
3. Keanu Reeves in the Matrix trilogy. You've got to give props to anyone who can star in three movies apparently without blinking, changing facial expression or reading the script.
