Spring Break
Column: Sex and the Cigar - Pet Peeves
Bambi Trousersnake
Issue date: 4/14/09 Section: Editorial/Opinion
04/14/09 - Dear Sex and the Cigar,
Women baffle me. Every time I think I've found a chill girl to hang out with, I find out she's got some hidden standards that are borderline obsessive compulsive. What gives?
-Still Searching
Dear Searching,
Most men eventually learn this, but for those of you who haven't, I'm going to let you in on a secret: Everything bugs women. The tiniest things, like clipping your toenails within proximity of the kitchen or forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste, can trigger the outpour of a whole set of issues you never knew she had. Even the women who seem the most laid back have their pet peeves. Don't forget that men have their issues, too.
While I can't speak for all the ladies out there, I'll clue you in on a few things that skeeve me out.
1. Guys that spit. Did you know in some countries you can be sentenced to death for spitting on sidewalks? Unfortunately, America is not one of those countries. It's been my experience that people usually spit for some unhygienic reason, like a cold or an addiction to chewing tobacco. The roughly 60 percent of other circumstances, I attribute to immaturity. At one point there was a time when loogie competitions were acceptable, but that was junior high.
2. Socks in bed. While some consider it kinky to leave certain articles of clothing on when getting down, items that touch your feet are excluded from that category. While I sympathize with cold feet, aesthetic preferences outweigh sensations associated with climate. No one wants to feel your dirty gym socks rub against their legs. If you don't believe me, find a full size mirror. You look like a hairy oaf with socks on, don't you?
3.Flat Ass Syndrome. I like to refer to it as FAS. The University of Rhode Island seems to be particularly plagued with men who suffer from FAS and an unsuspecting woman talking to a man face-to-face probably won't realize he's endowed with this physical malaise until it's too late. While not all of us can be proportionately endowed, the least men could do is take care not to emphasize the situation. I cringe each time a guy with baggy pants walks in front of me with the back of his waistband sagging halfway down his thighs. It's even worse when they wear tacky underwear. Don't even get me started on underwear.
Probably easier said than done, but the trick to solving your problem is to find someone who gets annoyed by the same things as you. If nothing else, I hope these examples offer you some insight as to all the ridiculous idiosyncrasies that make you doubt your woman's sanity.
- Bambi Trousersnake
Women baffle me. Every time I think I've found a chill girl to hang out with, I find out she's got some hidden standards that are borderline obsessive compulsive. What gives?
-Still Searching
Dear Searching,
Most men eventually learn this, but for those of you who haven't, I'm going to let you in on a secret: Everything bugs women. The tiniest things, like clipping your toenails within proximity of the kitchen or forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste, can trigger the outpour of a whole set of issues you never knew she had. Even the women who seem the most laid back have their pet peeves. Don't forget that men have their issues, too.
While I can't speak for all the ladies out there, I'll clue you in on a few things that skeeve me out.
1. Guys that spit. Did you know in some countries you can be sentenced to death for spitting on sidewalks? Unfortunately, America is not one of those countries. It's been my experience that people usually spit for some unhygienic reason, like a cold or an addiction to chewing tobacco. The roughly 60 percent of other circumstances, I attribute to immaturity. At one point there was a time when loogie competitions were acceptable, but that was junior high.
2. Socks in bed. While some consider it kinky to leave certain articles of clothing on when getting down, items that touch your feet are excluded from that category. While I sympathize with cold feet, aesthetic preferences outweigh sensations associated with climate. No one wants to feel your dirty gym socks rub against their legs. If you don't believe me, find a full size mirror. You look like a hairy oaf with socks on, don't you?
3.Flat Ass Syndrome. I like to refer to it as FAS. The University of Rhode Island seems to be particularly plagued with men who suffer from FAS and an unsuspecting woman talking to a man face-to-face probably won't realize he's endowed with this physical malaise until it's too late. While not all of us can be proportionately endowed, the least men could do is take care not to emphasize the situation. I cringe each time a guy with baggy pants walks in front of me with the back of his waistband sagging halfway down his thighs. It's even worse when they wear tacky underwear. Don't even get me started on underwear.
Probably easier said than done, but the trick to solving your problem is to find someone who gets annoyed by the same things as you. If nothing else, I hope these examples offer you some insight as to all the ridiculous idiosyncrasies that make you doubt your woman's sanity.
- Bambi Trousersnake
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