Spring Break
The Cigar's ultimate badass list
Chris Curtis
Issue date: 6/13/09 Section: Entertainment
4. Inigo Montoya in the Princess Bride. Again, the producers of this movie could have picked a better title. Something less emasculating for male viewers, perhaps. As far as badass titles go, this one ranks right up there with "My Little Pony: The Runaway Rainbow," and "Barbie: Fairytopia." Despite the title, Inigo is a drunken Spanish sword aficionado out to avenge his father's death at the misshapen hands of the six-fingered man. Due to some unscheduled evisceration, Inigo ends up fighting his father's killer with one hand on his stomach to hold in his entrails. Later, he jumps out a window with apparent disregard for his wayward intestines, proving yet again that the digestive tract is an unnecessary luxury designed for the weak. If you're tough enough, your food will process itself.
5. Tie: Mr. Clean and the Michelin Man. I wouldn't fight either of these two. Behind his jovial façade, the Michelin man has got to be pretty handy with a tire iron, and as for Mr. Clean, you know a guy who likes to clean that much has a screw or two loose. Odds are good he perfected the art of stain removal trying to clean blood out of his trunk.
6. Evil sorcerer Shang Tsung from the Mortal Kombat movies. This guy doesn't just kill you, he takes your soul. He sucks the life force right out of you - kind of like reality TV and pop music.
7. The abominable snowman. The love child of Frosty and an albino ape, this dude could rip your arms off and … well, that's pretty much it. This Tibetan beast is secure enough in his art to keep it simple. He knows you'll bleed out pretty fast without arms, and you can't really retaliate with blood stumps, so there's no need to beat you senseless with your own limbs or anything fanciful.
8. Yule Brenner. The man was tough enough to star in "The Magnificent Seven" as a rogue bandit killer and comfortable enough with his feminine side to star in the "King and I." In Yule's case, of course, this just means that no one had the guts to tell him the movie wasn't a western.
9. William Wallace. Argue this one and a zombie Scotsman will kill you in your sleep. With a mace. Go ahead. Try it. He's watching you.
10. Prescription drug companies. They tell you their new drug will cure what ails you, the only side effects are sleepwalking, amnesia and death, and you buy it. It takes guts to pull that off that kind of scam.
5. Tie: Mr. Clean and the Michelin Man. I wouldn't fight either of these two. Behind his jovial façade, the Michelin man has got to be pretty handy with a tire iron, and as for Mr. Clean, you know a guy who likes to clean that much has a screw or two loose. Odds are good he perfected the art of stain removal trying to clean blood out of his trunk.
6. Evil sorcerer Shang Tsung from the Mortal Kombat movies. This guy doesn't just kill you, he takes your soul. He sucks the life force right out of you - kind of like reality TV and pop music.
7. The abominable snowman. The love child of Frosty and an albino ape, this dude could rip your arms off and … well, that's pretty much it. This Tibetan beast is secure enough in his art to keep it simple. He knows you'll bleed out pretty fast without arms, and you can't really retaliate with blood stumps, so there's no need to beat you senseless with your own limbs or anything fanciful.
8. Yule Brenner. The man was tough enough to star in "The Magnificent Seven" as a rogue bandit killer and comfortable enough with his feminine side to star in the "King and I." In Yule's case, of course, this just means that no one had the guts to tell him the movie wasn't a western.
9. William Wallace. Argue this one and a zombie Scotsman will kill you in your sleep. With a mace. Go ahead. Try it. He's watching you.
10. Prescription drug companies. They tell you their new drug will cure what ails you, the only side effects are sleepwalking, amnesia and death, and you buy it. It takes guts to pull that off that kind of scam.
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